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The Wotanberger
Commonweal
September 20, 2003

 


The articles presented here have been provided by one or more of the following publications as--or
unless otherwise--indicated:
The Mogambo Mogambo ("MM")
The St Hubert Times ("SHT")
The Seiber Island Historical Journal ("SIHJ")
The Trevorstein Times ("TT")


 

 

1st COMMONWEALTH DOULA
CONFERENCE DRAWS 1,000'S

 

 

 

Vince Ricardo Dead!


Jake Cutter Takes Reins of Trans-Global Enterprises

 

 

Vince
Better Times. Shown  are Vince Ricardo (L)
and Dr Sheldon Kornpett (R) arriving at their
children's 1971 wedding in New Jersey.
(Photo courtesy T-GE)

Mogambo. (MM) Thousands of doulas, other health professionals, and expectant parents attended the first  Common-

wealth Doula Conference, held at the Grand Duchess Carlotta Convention Center in Mogambo, the Mustela Islands. The Commonwealth's High Commissioner of Health opened the Conference with:
     "Every mother deserves a doula!"

 More

 

 

 

 

 

  Boragora International Airport, the Marivellas (SHT)  "I regret to  inform you that my good friend Vince is dead." With these simple words, the President of the Republic of the Marivellas--Guillaume "Wild Bill" Boniface Bonchancelouis--announced the passing of Vincent J. Ricardo, who was the founder, Chairman of the Board, and President of Trans-Global Enterprises.

 

 

 

Editorial (SHT):

Were you planning to
celebrate the 21st anniversary
of Tales of the Gold Monkey
in the Marivellas???

Not so fast, (Bonchance)louis!

     If you were hoping to celebrate the 21st anniversary of the first broadcast of the regrettably short-lived American television series--Tales of the Gold Monkey-- in the Marivellas this year had better read today's report on the death of Vince Ricardo--founder, Chairman of the Board, and President of Trans-Global Enterprises--who was going to be this year's honorary Grand Marshall.

     Although there are, of course, official assurances that the "show" will go on, some cynics doubt that the even grand- son of the monkey seen scampering about on the series just crowned as the new Grand Marshall by "le President"
will be as much as of a draw as the famous (infamous?) Vince Ricardo.

     All in all, it is shaping up to be a repeat of last year's fiasco when the airplane chartered to carry most of the American fans of the television series to Boragora was confused with an aircraft chartered to fly to Tora Bora in Afghanistan. We can only hope that "le President" will not turn over the key to the Republic to another imposter claiming to be Donald P. Bellisario.

     We suggest that those wishing to celebrate the first broadcast of the only American television series about Jake Cutter stay at home and join what is bound to be an exciting time on this web-site.

This week's special sponsor:tg-e

 

 

Last week's special sponsor:

Lepto

 


A Big Surprise

     Based on unconfirmed reports from highly placed Marivellan officials, it was expected that, at this point, the President would announce that his
"good friend Vince" had, just before he died, anointed him as his successor. However, he was, at this point, interrupted by the arrival of his "good friend's" surviving son, Thomas "Tommy" Ricardo, and Jake Cutter Jr, President of Seiber Airlines--not to mention Tali Urulu II, Tarafu's famous Gagaj ("Chief") and Taki ("Military Leader") and a platoon of fully armed Aero-Dragoons.

     Visibly shaken (or as he later explained, overcome by grief), the President announced that due to "pressing affairs of state requiring his immediate attention" he was turning the press conference over to Professor
Klaus Werner Immerschreiben, his Special Advisor on Science & Health (and CEO of Monkey Bar-ometrics). To ensure the President's safety, he was escorted out by a section of the Aero-Dragoons, and is now being protected at an undisclosed location.

Sleeping Sickness

     A surprisingly calm Professor Immerschreiben reported that that Mr Ricardo died yesterday on the island of Croix de Noir, apparently of sleeping sickness. "Contrary to what you may have heard, the Government do not, however, at this time, believe that Mr Ricardo contracted African trypanoso-miasis (more commonly known as sleeping sickness) transmitted by giant tsetse flies here in the Marivellas."

     The Professor went on to explain,
"As you all undoubtedly already know, Mr Ricardo was here in the Marivellas to participate in the dedication of the new Sheldon Kornpett Memorial Dental Clinic on Croix de Noir on Sunday and, on Monday, to serve as Honorary Grand Marshall of the Marivella Republic's celebration of the anniversary of the first broadcast of the short-lived American television series, Tales of the Gold Monkey. Since he has been here only a few days, it is quite impossible that he contracted sleeping sickness here at all."

     Responding to a question about rumors that Mr Ricardo had reported seeing tsetse flies the size of eagles outside of his room on Croix de Noir, the Professor stated that this was undoubtedly a reference to the nine months Mr Ricardo spent in the bush while in U.S. government service, adding that any further question on this issue should be addressed to the Wotanberger Commonwealth peace-keeping forces. The Professor then offered the podium to Gajaj and Taki Tali Urulu II.  

 

 

 
      Urulu stated that, although there wasno confirmed evidence that Mr Ricardo had, in fact, died of sleeping sickness, every step was being taken to ensure the health and safety of the inhabitants of Croix de Noir and the rest
of the Marivellas. To the relief of the assembled members of the Fourth Estate, Urulu added that, "At the end of the press conference, you will be given  information as to what measures you may take to avoid even the remotest possibility of contracting sleeping sickness yourselves."

     He closed by saying that the Ricardo family had already offered their help in investigating the circumstances surrounding Mr Ricardo's death. "Tommy has told me that he has already contacted his uncle Enrique Ricardo y Columbo, a retired Los Angeles police lieutenant of detectives, who has graciously agree to assist us." Urulu
then introduced Tommy Ricardo.

Cutter Named Successor


     Tommy Ricardo solemnly confirmed the death of his father and stated that arrangements are being made to "give Dad the send-off he would have wanted and deserves." He quickly added, however, that "As Dad always told me 'Camarón que se duerme, se lo lleva la corriente"--that is, 'The shrimp that sleeps gets carried away by a cocktail.' Based on this sage advice and his frequently expressed wishes about the management of the company after his death, the family took a vote this morning making Mr Jake Cutter Jr the new President of Trans-Global Enterprises, effective immediately. My mother, Jean Wong Ricardo, is now Chairman of the Board and I will continue to serve as General Counsel."

 
     Pausing, Tommy Ricardo then added, "It is now my honor to present to you the new President of Trans-Global Enter-prises, Jake Cutter Jr." In the back of the room, Siegfried "Sancho" Panzer, Presi- dent of Barataria Industries, proclaimed, "'The Bos is dead, long live the Bos!"

Jake Cutter Praises Vince Ricardo


     Coming to the podium, Jake Cutter Jr--oldest son of world-famous Jake
Cutter and Princess Koji, President of Seiber Airlines, and a reserve Flying Officer in the Seiber Squadron--embraced Tommy Ricardo, who then left to be with the other family members gathered in the airport's VIP lounge.

 
     Pausing until Tommy left the room, Cutter began by saying: "As any of you who saw the 1979 movie, "The In-Laws" know, Tommy's prospective father-in-law-- the late, and truly great, dentist Sheldon Kornpett--was warned by a patient just before Tommy's marriage to his daughter, 'The son is the acorn.

 


You gotta look at the tree.' What you just saw leave here just now is a great acorn from a truly great tree."  He added that Vince Ricardo was always proud of the fact that his mysterious phone calls in back rooms and pay booths through his many years of government service had put Tommy through college and Harvard Law School. He then read the following prepared statement:

     "In the next few weeks, many people will be sharing their own memories of Vince Ricardo. As Vince Ricardo's successor as President of Trans-Global Enterprises, I ask that all of you who have memories of Vince share them with Tali Urulu III, the Editor-in-Chief of the Seiber Islands Historical Journal, who has been commissioned by the family to write Vince's biography."

     Pausing, he added, "I also ask that
all of you who may have any information about Vince's death, to contact Tommy's uncle Ricky [apparently referring to Enrique Ricardo y Columbo] when he arrives tomorrow. You'll be able to recognize him--he looks a lot like that
T.V. show character Lieutenant Columbo--but he does smoke better cigars."

     He concluded by continuing his prepared remarks:

     "I'd like to conclude today with parts
of the speech that Vince was going to give this Sunday:   "'I'm not the most eloquent guy in the world. . .but I would like to say that this has been a most lovely occasion. And on Monday there will be another occasion, even more lovely, more sacred. And all I really wanna say is that. . .I'm just honoured. . .and moved to be part of the Kornpett family. And I hope we'll be together in the good times to share them with joy. And if there are bad times, God forbid, we'll work that out too. . .but together.'"

    Jake Cutter Jr then left the podium--and the room--without another word. A path was cleared for him by members of the unit named in honor of his father. He was followed immediately by Tali Urulu II, Siegfried "Sancho" Panzer, and a few others believed to be either related to the late Mr Ricardo or Trans-Global Enterprises.  They were followed out by the remainder of the Aero-Dragoons accompanying  Tarafu's famous Gagaj and Taki .

Rumors Abound?

     Seizing the opportunity (and the podium), Oliver Stein (a former Tarafu University Professor and now Lead Stevedore at the Monkey Bar-ometrics loading dock) shared his own interesting views about the death of Mr Ricardo and how it relates to the monograph he is almost finished writing.